Parenting and attachment style
Whatever attachment style you learned with your own parents is a strong determinant of the attachment pattern you will imprint on your children. Even if you have grown into earned secure attachment over time, there are lasting residual effects of whatever attachment style you grew up with—which will show up in your own parenting style.
Ambivalent-insecure attachment becomes anxious-preoccupied parenting
If you had a parent who was unreliable for your own needs, and you often found yourself having to tend to theirs, this carries over into your relationship with your own kids. You may unwittingly seek emotional gratification from your children—a burden too heavy for them to bear (the same one you were given)—and cause them to become clingy and demanding. Adults with this attachment style must mature by finding love and fulfillment in adult relationships and be hypervigilant about responding appropriately to children, giving them time and attention and presence.
Avoidant-insecure attachment becomes avoidant-dismissive parenting
If you grew up with an emotionally distant mom and you developed fierce independence, you may have a tendency to keep your own children at bay at encourage them to fend for themselves more often than not. To be emotionally involved with your children, it’s important to continue looking inward and connecting with your own feelings, growing and developing yourself so you can be available for your kids. It may be new for you to ask them questions like, “How do you feel about that?” or “How does that make you feel?” or “When he did that to you, how did it make you feel?”
Disorganized-insecure attachment style becomes disorganized attachment parenting
Having a parent or caregiver who responded inconsistently to your needs, perhaps soothing your cries sometimes but not responding at others, or responding with calm but then turning angry and impatient, develops a disorganized-insecure attachment style that lingers in adulthood. Parents with this attachment style can help break the cycle—which may have been passed down from generation to generation—by being willing to look at themselves and their own upbringing, develop new skills in therapy, and find support from friends, family and other parents.